


Dimitri and Sylvain and the Adventure of the Jerk Off Video

by chonksuke



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Hand Jobs, M/M, Oblivious Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, Oblivious Sylvain Jose Gautier, Repression, inspired by a tweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:15:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chonksuke/pseuds/chonksuke
Summary: “Let me get this straight,” Felix sighed, looking at his two roommates curled up on the couch in the living room of their shared flat. “A girl asked you for a jerk off video.”“Yup!” Sylvain confirmed.“So you recorded one and sent it to her,” he continued.“I helped him,” Dimitri added.“But when she received it, she said she wanted a video ofyoujerking off, notyou jerking off Dimitri?!” Felix exclaimed.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 14
Kudos: 51





	Dimitri and Sylvain and the Adventure of the Jerk Off Video

“Let me get this straight,” Felix sighed, looking at his two very repressed roommates curled up on the couch in the living room of their shared flat. “A girl asked you for a jerk off video.”

“Yup!” Sylvain confirmed.

“So you recorded one and sent it to her,” he continued.

“I helped him,” Dimitri added.

“But when she received it, she said she wanted a video of _you_ jerking off, not _you jerking off Dimitri_?!” Felix exclaimed. Dimitri buried his face in Sylvain’s shoulder.

“You got the gist of it, Fe,” Sylvain said. Felix exhaled and sat down across from where he had been pacing this whole time.

“I have one question,” he finally said. Sylvain grinned at him.

“Shoot, Fe,” he said.

“ _How the fuck did this happen?_ ”

***

“Hey, Dima! Can you do me a favor?”

Dimitri was making himself a grilled cheese for lunch when he heard Sylvain call out to him. Weighing his options, Dimitri flipped his grilled cheese in its pan and fiddled with the heat slightly.

“What’s up, bro?” Dimitri called back to Sylvain. He hoped the favor didn’t require him to abandon his grilled cheese before it was done, but he was willing to if Sylvain really needed him. Behind him, Dimitri heard Sylvain exit his bedroom and make his way to their kitchen.

“Dima,” Sylvain whined, draping himself across Dimitri’s back and hooking his chin over Dimitri’s broad shoulder when he reached the stove. “So there’s this really hot girl…” Dimitri’s mind wandered while Sylvain rambled about the girl he had been texting with. He idly pushed the sandwich around the pan, wondering if it was ready, and what kind of favor Sylvain could possibly want.

“…so, anyway,” he heard Sylvain saying behind him, “she asked me for a jerk off video.” Dimitri’s felt his mind start spinning. Why was Sylvain telling him this? _Unless he…No, that’s not it…_

“A…a jerk off video,” he repeated lamely, when he realized that Sylvain was waiting for a response.

“Yeah!” Sylvain said, sounding somewhat excited behind him. He snaked his arms around Dimitri’s waist. “You’re the only other one in the house right now, so…” he trailed off and patted Dimitri’s abs. _Is he asking me…to be in his video?_ Dimitri’s mind was racing. He had only jerked himself off before; he had never had another guy do it for him. What if he scared the girl off with his inexperience? But on the other hand, Sylvain must already be desperate to come to him. He couldn’t turn his friend down in a time of need, especially when Sylvain had talked him through many a late-night breakdown.

“Ok, I’ll help you out,” Dimitri said, turning around in Sylvain’s arms. Sylvain’s face lit up as he grabbed Dimitri’s hand and tugged.

“I knew I could count on my homie,” he beamed. “Come on, let’s go to the living room.” Dimitri followed Sylvain out of the kitchen and into their living room, where they sat down on the couch. Dimitri unzipped his jeans and pulled them down with his boxers to expose his dick while Sylvain got ready to film.

“Oh, man, she’s gonna love your giant cock,” Sylvain licked his lips and settled between Dimitri’s legs. “You ready to start?”

“Y-yeah,” Dimitri stuttered, willing the heat to fade from his cheeks. He didn’t want to look like a blushing virgin on Sylvain’s video, even if that was technically the truth. Sylvain produced some lube out of nowhere and coated his right hand while he began filming with his left. He started by gently stroking Dimitri’s cock to full hardness. Dimitri couldn’t help the moan he let out at the feeling of someone else’s hand on his cock; it felt so much better than when he did it to himself. As Sylvain reached down to cup his balls, Dimitri flung an arm over his mouth to avoid making any more embarrassing noises, but Sylvain expressed his disapproval.

“Dima, let me hear you…fuck, this is hot,” Sylvain murmured, picking up the pace. Dimitri reluctantly removed the arm from his face and instead fisted it in a nearby pillow.

“Your cock looks amazing like this,” Sylvain continued, circling his thumb around the tip of it. Dimitri threw his head back at the praise and tried not to thrust into Sylvain’s hand. Sylvain twisted his hand as he moved up and down, and Dimitri barely avoided crying out. _God, his hand feels so good._ Dimitri was slowly losing all forms of coherent thought as he hurtled closer to the edge.

Suddenly, he slammed back into reality as a corner of his mind screamed that he couldn't disgrace Sylvain by coming too early.

“Syl, _ughh_ , slow down,” he managed to get out.

“Are you getting close?” Sylvain murmured. Dimitri squeezed his eyes shut and nodded.

“Mmm, then come for me, Dima,” Sylvain crooned, looking up at him with his stupid puppy eyes. That did it for him. Dimitri was coming with a shout, come shooting everywhere from his torso to both of their faces. They both sat there in shock for a few seconds before Sylvain giggled.

“God, Dima, that was perfect. You were so good,” he said, switching off the recording and gently wiping the come off of Dimitri’s face. “I’ll get something to clean us up with.” He walked off to the bathroom, tapping on his phone to send the recording. Sylvain soon returned with a wet washcloth, and he wiped down Dimitri’s chest while they waited for the girl to respond to Sylvain’s video. Dimitri leaned against Sylvain’s shoulder and let his mind wander while Sylvain chattered and absently stroked his hair. 

As Dimitri's mind cleared, an acrid, burning smell slowly started to permeate his consciousness. _The grilled cheese_ , his addled brain managed to make out. _Fuck!_

“Syl, my cheese!” he whimpered, stumbling to his feet. He staggered out of the living room with his pants still undone, only to find that his precious cheese had become a blackened mess in the time it had taken for Sylvain to jerk him off. Mournfully, he turned off the stove and scooped the ruined sandwich onto a plate anyway. Cheese was still cheese, and he’d be damned if a little blackened bread would stop him from enjoying his treat. He shuffled back into the living room with his food, still sulking a little, when he noticed the confused expression on Sylvain’s face.

“What happened, bro? Did she like it?” Dimitri asked, taking a seat again next to his friend. Sylvain made a noise of anguish and showed him his phone.

_WTF_ , the first message said.

_Did you seriously just send me a video of you jerking off another GUY???_ , she continued.

_I meant a video of you jerking off yourself, dumbass_. Horror began to dawn on Dimitri.

_Ugh, whatever, you guys clearly have some stuff to work through,_ she finished. After her message, there were several from Sylvain apologizing and begging her to reply, but she hadn’t responded. Dimitri felt his heart sink and handed Sylvain’s phone back in embarrassment.

“Like, how was I supposed to know what she wanted?” Sylvain whined.

“Right? There’s no way you could have known, man,” Dimitri responded, sighing at all their efforts wasted.

“And what the hell did she mean by _you guys have some stuff to work through_ ,” Sylvain continued. “There’s nothing wrong with jerking off your homie. I’m totally sex positive!” he added. Dimitri sighed. After all those times Sylvain had comforted him, at least he could finally return the favor. He put his half-eaten grilled cheese off to the side and wrapped his arm around Sylvain’s shoulders.

“Man, I’m sorry bro,” he said, patting Sylvain on the back. “That was really good, though. Want me to return the favor?”

“God, yes, Dima,” Sylvain sighed, shifting so he could lean back against the arm of the couch and letting Dimitri move between his legs. “I’d like nothing more.”

***

Dimitri and Sylvain sat looking at Felix in expectant silence after they had finished telling the story. Felix sat with his head in his hands. Finally, he looked up at them in amusement.

“Well, Fe?” Sylvain prompted.

“What the hell was your _thought process_?”

“I mean, I didn’t think a girl would want to see _me_ jerking off; that’s boring. _I_ wouldn’t want to see myself jerking off. So I tried to think of what I _would_ like to see, and I remembered that Dima here is packing an absolute unit,” Sylvain explained. Felix groaned, clearly seeing where this was going.

“So, he was perfect for me to show off my jerk off technique. Plus, I thought she’d enjoy looking at Dima’s giant cock,” Sylvain pouted, as if trying to see where he went wrong. “Girls love that shit. _I’d_ know, because I love your cock, and I don’t even like men, so just imagine someone who _does_ …Fe, you like men, so you’d understand, right? Isn’t his cock amazing…” Sylvain was rambling again.

Felix, laughing incredulously, got up to grab his Switch. If he was going to have to listen to Sylvain and Dimitri talk about cocks and pretend they were straight, he could at least play Animal Crossing at the same time.

“At least we both came,” Sylvain was saying next to him, Dimitri murmuring in agreement. “That was the best hand job I’ve ever had. I guess I’ll chalk it up to the excitement of recording a video for a girl…” Felix resisted the urge to fling his Switch across the room, or at least smack himself in the face with it.

“Hey Dima, we should become camboys! Girls are gonna love you!”

Felix settled in for a long night.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by this [tweet](https://twitter.com/_ericcurtin/status/1070876357171777537)  
> my twitter >:3c [chonksuke](https://twitter.com/chonksuke)


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